When I was growing up I saw my life in movies. I thought of "what if this isn't all real and it's just a movie?" Ha ha. It made life more interesting for sure. As I got older I started seeing all these stories in my mind. I started writing some down but going to the movies was my favorite thing to do or renting movies. I wanted to know how they were made and what was happening behind the camera. Eventually I went to school for video and television production. I started writing some of the stories down. When I had kids, it all went to the side, I kept thinking of the stories and wanted to be in the industry but then mental health stuff happened and I had to take a break from it because my main focus became my kids. I never thought I would get cancer and further sideline my career goals. Now I have come to a point that it is not realistic to still think I could possibly at 51 get back into the TV industry. It does make me sad to think about where I saw myself at this age. I thought I "could have it all" and what makes it harder is that I thought I deserved it all, the career, the family, the money.
I saw a video of s Beautycounter Advocate telling her story about getting breast cancer and her story was the same as mine. The difference was she went for it, telling her story, growing her business and really sharing and advocating. She did what I had wanted to do and hadn't. I realized that all the aspirations I had for myself have been slowly fading away. The feeling of deserving a house to fit our family and an income to ease the financial stress, I had stopped feeling like I deserved any of that. I do my best each day and it never feels like enough yet here are people doing exactly what I feel like I can't do. They are showing it can be done, they are also showing me I am not living up to my own expectations. It literally gives me anxiety when I think about stepping even a toe out of my comfort zone and the problem is that comfort zone has been shrinking and shrinking. I used to drive to strangers houses in areas I had never been and talk to women I didn't know about jewlery and it was so fun. The thought of doing that does not sound like fun to me at all. I used to work from 7am-7pm and it was fun, driving home and just eating dinner and watching TV and doing it all again the next day and that was fun. Or imaging a character in a story and thinking about how it could be turned into a movie. That was fun. None of it is fun any longer it's stress and anxiety and physical problems. What to do? Just get by, take it day by day. That is what my life has been reduced to. Not taking on new challenges has been my goal. The lesson I seemed to have learned is, I guess I didn't want any of it bad enough.
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